First time mom things #1. Fed is best.

***READ THIS*** I am aware that this is a HEAVILY polarizing topic. I am sharing my own personal experience. I am in the camp of IF YOU ARE ABLE to breast feed your baby, then you should do it as much as you can. There are so many circumstances out there that can pull you away from being able to do it exclusively, and I completely understand that, but when you can (again if you are able) then yes, do it. I am not going to judge someone for their choice as long as their baby is healthy and happy. Things are hard enough out there without us henpecking each other over what we need to do to get by.

I am a first time mom. Currently my little one is 2 years old, and he's thriving.

Here are some little facts about my pregnancy.

1.  I got pregnant with my little one at 39 years old and I was 40 when he was born. Yes, older mom. That is just what life handed me.

2. A few years before I ever even tried to get pregnant I had to have a fibroid surgery, which left part of my uterus compromised. I was told that If I wanted to have a baby it would have to be delivered via C-section, because the strain of labor could tear my uterus, and I could die!

3. I did end up with Gestational Diabetes. This was difficult news to hear, but I did everything I was told to do, and got through it. I actually have Hypoglycemia, so I really didn't think this would happen to me in pregnancy.

I won't get into the entire pregnancy and birth story, as there is a lot of it and thinking back there were a few things that bothered me. Every first time mom faces things she was not expecting, and I was already aware of that. This one thing I did not expect, actually still hurts me a little bit.

I couldn't breastfeed my baby, because I didn't produce any milk. Plain and simple. Or is it?

As I stated before I had a C-section delivery. It was the only way I could have my baby so I was alright with that. I do wonder, though, if any women who have planned C-section births also experience lack of milk production, or if this was a special case due to the timing of my own. If so I wonder how many end up making absolutely zero breastmilk.

Let me break this down. I carried my son nearly to full term. I was scheduled to go into my delivery surgery right about 2 weeks before he was due. The recommendation, due to my compromised uterus, was to get him out as late as possible while also ensuring that I did not go into early delivery. This way we would never have to be in any danger. I did not have any issue with this. I was actually a pretty chill pregnant woman. I just wanted us to get through this safely, and to make sure baby was going to be okay. I trust my doctor. I still don't have any issue with this, and I'm not playing a blame game. Sometimes crazy things happen and we do just need to roll with it.

His birth was amazing. I am so lucky to have my happy healthy baby. There wasn't much about his delivery, or the hospital stay that I have much to complain about. The doctors were great, and the care staff were all wonderful. I fully expected everything to go, at least mostly, pretty normal. I began producing some drops of colostrum, but it was not very much at all. Every bit of what I could get, and every time he latched on he got what I could give him of that precious colostrum. As much as he tried to nurse, and as much as I could do to pump afterward (and there is some debate whether I tried hard enough), didn't help any milk to come in.

Every one of the trips we made to the doctor, following his birth, resulted in them pushing me to attempt to nurse him while we were there and they could assist me. Baby would try, then get frustrated and detach, and I became very uncomfortable with the pressure. I did not want to starve my baby just to force something that was not wanting to happen. I will say that the nurses/doctors that were there would push for this, but then they didn't check if anything was coming out so I don't know how they figured that it was. I certainly couldn't feel anything really happening. I got all of the tips, and suggestions on how to try to make my milk come in, and I did try most of them (at least a few times each). Sadly nothing was happening. I did try pumping, and I actually never filled even a tiny bit of the bottle. The most I got was moisture around the flange. Each pumping session seemed to result in less and less, rather than more and more.

This aspect of his first few weeks was so disappointing for me. I felt like an absolute failure as my baby's mom. This meant that we had to rely on formula, and it wasn't what I had planned for him. I was glad that he was able to get some colostrum from me, but really? That was all I could do? We did end up finding a formula that worked for him, but nothing will be as perfect as mom's breastmilk. I still feel bad that I couldn't do this one very important thing for him. Not once did anyone mention that it might have anything to do with being a C-section mom, or maybe I was lacking some sort of vitamin, or anything. Everyone simply treated me as if I should be doing this naturally, with no issue. When I would say that I had yet to produce a full few drops into the pump bottle, no one seemed concerned. All I heard was encouragement to keep trying. I still don't know what could have caused this deficit.

During the time we were coming to terms with having to use formula, it was also that time where supplies for formula were pretty spotty, and sometimes there wasn't any available (of his best type), which was so stressful. My heart goes out to all the moms that struggled during this time. I'm grateful for all the people who would help us get the one he needed when our store was out. To those who had babies with super sensitive systems and they weren't able to get their formula, holey moly I am so sorry you had to go through that.

Being a first time new mom is hard, no matter how well things go in your favor. Add any hardship to a first time mom, and it can be pretty rough. The circumstances surrounding my personal journey were hard, at first, but I would go through all of it again. I am not complaining. I am hoping that sharing my experience can help someone feel less alone if they are having a similar struggle. My own first time journey was not wrought with many perils. This was the biggest one, for me. I used to feel guilt that I couldn't do one of the most natural things in the world for my own baby. Now, I don't feel that way. It is part of his babyhood that I missed out on, and sometimes I still feel bad about it. My hands were tied, and there wasn't much I could do. I'm so lucky. My child is healthy. That is all that matters. My baby was fed how we were able to feed him, and he's doing great!

Thank you for reading, and God bless you.

E.G.